Is Parental Self-Care a Myth?
“Hey, my kids and I are headed to the pool on Saturday morning, does your crew want to join?” And, my extroverted self replied, “Yes, but No Thanks, that is my art morning.” Have you gotten the question “What do you do, to take care of you?” Or another, “What are your hobbies?” Do you scoff internally? For the longest time, both my husband and I had to answer, “Watching our kids and chores. Is there another option?” As for self-care, one of us occasionally got clandestine, kid free ice cream for the two of us. But, something needed to change. Both parents in this family are artistic and we were slowly letting the creativity muscle atrophy. Our patience well never seemed to fill up, let alone grow deeper. And, we never had a chance to stop and breathe. So, we decided to solve the problem.
If you’d like to help regain your own sense of self and maybe establish a hobby and some self-care, I’d love to help you by sharing our method and our story.
First, the why. Why should you upset the apple cart of family life?
- It is a tangible, attainable gift to yourself and your partner.
- Self-care makes you a happier, more resilient, & better person.
- Creativity begets creativity. You will be a better parent by regrowing your creativity muscle.
- It sets a good example for you children.
- Stepping away for your own needs will create the space for new traditions to form.
- Scientific studies have proven that habitual rest and hobbies improves your health and wellbeing.
I am employing the language of “self-care” and “hobbies” almost interchangeably because I believe they are similar. Any activity that makes something wound up tight within you stretch out like a cat in the sun is caring for the person part of your parenthood. Self-care will look different for each individual and will be different in different seasons of life. Hobbies fit under the self-care category because, by definition, a hobby is an activity undertaken simply because it brings pleasure. Tending to the self fundamentally involves undertaking things that are just for you. What activities, objects, sounds, and places are calling you to spend your time and energy with them? Here is a list of ideas if you need some help getting started.
Make This Work for Your Crew
Our family keeps a tight budget so we don’t have extra money to hire outside help. We also live hundreds of miles away from our family. Despite a robust social circle, our friends have kids as well so they can’t watch our kids every weekend. This left my husband and I. If we wanted to have time to focus on ourselves as individuals, we had to provide this for each other.
How To Actually Start a Self-Care Habit
- Commit to the process. There will be growing pains so you need to be bought in for the long-haul to reap the benefits.
- Check your resources. Can you hire outside help or ask a trusted person to watch your kids regularly?
- If it’s just you and your partner, figure out what time chunks you can reasonably commit to. Don’t be afraid to stretch a little! 4 or more hours “solo” can feel like too much for the partner on their own, but it really is doable.
- Automate the schedule as much as possible. Example, my partner is “away” Monday nights 5:30-10pm and I am “away” Wednesday night 5:30-10pm. Decide on when “your time” will be, then keep doing it.
- Decide what creative, self-care opportunity you will pursue. Be careful not to use the whole time scrolling on social media.
- Set up a “functionality check in” with your partner. At one month intervals, evaluate with your partner what is working and what needs to shift to keep the practice viable for everyone.
Our Exact Method and Results
We adopted this crazy scheme when my two oldest children were 3 and a new born. Without extra money in the budget, we decided my husband would be “off” Friday mornings, and I would be “off” Saturday mornings. My husband works on Sundays so Friday and Saturday were our weekend. On Friday morning, I would get up with both kids and take care of everything. From breakfast, to school drop off, to lunch, and nap time, I took care of everything. Then, at 3pm when the second nap of the day was over my husband jumped right into family life. He spent his time getting some extra sleep and painting miniatures. Come Saturday morning, the roles were reversed. My husband got up with the kids, did breakfast, orchestrated activities, cooked lunch, and made sure second nap happened. At 3pm, I would clean my paint brushes and step away from my art desk in order to rejoin the family.
Along the way, we had to learn not to “rescue” one another. If my husband burned the pancakes while I was doing my mixed media art, I let him solve it. When he was “off” he had to learn to put on headphones so that he didn’t feel guilty about not helping when the waters were rough. At first it felt rude and wrong to ignore family chaos to “have fun” but after many conversations, we re-affirmed our commitment to this practice. The results were amazing. Not only did my husband and I slowly grown in happiness and patience, but our kids fell in love with the practice. Saturday became “daddy-daughter day” and it became the bedrock of their week that helped them re-set and function.
You Can Make the Myth Real
Expect some growing pains, after all you are upsetting the apple cart. Our children inevitably want the parent who is not present. Everyone had to learn that dad makes Mac’ n cheese without extra cheese. The kids felt frustrated that Dad was unavailable on Friday morning. The list of chores does not get accomplished as quickly. However, the upside is so worth it. I encourage you to talk to your partner or your social circle. How can you schedule weekly time to “switch” off so you get truly uninterrupted moments to yourself? Where will you carve out a space for you?
You deserve space to grow yourself and do an activity simply because you want to. I contend, we actually need space to do something that ‘feeds’ our inner worlds. Making that time requires brainstorming and creativity, but take it from someone who made the switch. Every growing pain and complication has been worth it. If you need help, send me an email. I would love to be a part of your support network that empowers fellow parents to thrive.