My babies’ first Christmas morning we went over the top with everything. She had a major crying jag, ended up needing an extra nap, and my husband and I promised, next year she will “get it” more. So, Christmas year 2 we went over the top again, our daughter ended up in a crying fit and we vowed to get it right next year. On Christmas year 3 my daughter threw a massive fit and there were more tears than giggles. Finally, Christmas year 4, we “got it right.” The only tears were happy ones and the small tantrum on the same level as a normal day. Our pictures are full of genuine smiles and we had our first “great family Christmas.” The ones that came before hold meaning, but those memories are a bit fraught. Now, three kids and 8 family Christmases under my belt, I hold a lot of holiday wisdom. So, what is the anecdote to holiday tantrums that derail a celebration? There are a number of mental healthy tools that hold the key to peace and I will be sharing a new skill each Monday of December! This week, we have the mental health skills of emotional expression that truly help kids cope with holiday stress. Keep reading to get the real strategy for your very own great Christmas.
We talk about Christmas as the most magical time of the year, and the season truly holds magical qualities. Fun food, new gifts, and mysteries abound. As a society we take care to make things different and special which creates new and wonderful experiences for kids. Lights twinkle, sparkly boxes sit under the tree whispering about Christmas lists fulfilled, and special treats show up on the table. And, with all of these things come other challenging factors. Children’s routines change. Grownups have extra things on their plates trying to make space for shopping, fun traditions, and extra gatherings. Kid’s eating habits shift with all the candy, holiday cookies, and fun treats available.
Those are some of the “external” factors for kids’ holiday experiences. On the inside, kids are dealing with excitement, joy, anticipation. Often there is frustration, confusion, jealousy, and impatience. Christmas is a type of soup full of every emotion under the sun. Yet, kids and really most people, are not very good at processing those emotions. The feelings, both easy and hard, get “stuck” in their minds and bodies before they come smashing out at unfortunate times. They might complain about a gift because you bought red instead of pink. A child might yell something rude out of jealousy when a sibling is opening presents. Your kid might take one look at the painstakingly prepared Christmas dinner and refuse to eat a single bite. We are trying to teach kids how to cope with holiday stress by bringing those big feelings out intentionally instead of letting them careen out sideways. Emotional expression is the simplest way to help kids do this.
Learn Emotional Expression Skills that Help Kids Cope with Holiday Stress
Encourage Open Emotional Expression
Facilitate Conversations
One of the best things you can do to help your child cope is to have open, ongoing conversations about their feelings. Regularly check in with your child to ask how they’re feeling—whether it’s right after they wake up, after a family gathering, or during a quiet moment before bed. You can ask simple questions like, “How do you feel about all the Christmas excitement?” or “What’s been the best part of today for you?” Creating these moments for emotional check-ins not only helps kids process their feelings but also teaches them that it’s okay to talk about emotions, even the tricky ones. Just like when my daughter had her first Christmas meltdown, and we realized it wasn’t about getting everything “right” but about being there for her emotionally. When we check in with our kids, we give them permission to express what’s going on inside.
- Make “check-ins” a habit. Choose specific times each day and inquire almost on a schedule. Shoot for 2-4 times a day.
- Use simple, straight forward questions that are low pressure. The goal is not a long answer but training them to cue into their emotional world. I made a printable that you can utilize for some starter questions. Click to get the pdf for print or to pull up on your device.
- Go where the conversation takes you. When the child moves on to something else, leave the previous topic knowing you will be back to their internal world again soon.
- Believe that open dialogue helps them feel seen and also process their emotions so it is worth your emotional energy and time.
Validate Their Emotions
Validation seems small, and even “hoaky” at times, but it matters. Over the years, I have learned that acknowledging my child’s emotions—whether they’re disappointed about a gift or frustrated with a change in routine—makes all the difference. Validating your child’s emotions is one of the simplest and most powerful tools to help them feel understood and supported. When children know that their feelings are heard and respected, it creates a safe emotional space and they can sort out their life. On the successful fourth Christmas I told my daughter “It seems like there are a lot of things happening. Are you excited and feeling really full?” As the words came out of my mouth, I watched her stress go down and her joy go up.
- We are not experts on our children’s emotions so begin these conversations with curiosity not a sense of mastery.
- I use phrases like “it seems like maybe you are feeling _______? Does that seem accurate to you?” or “I see your body doing ____ do you think you are feeling ______?”
- Maintain the party line “feelings are all neutral but what we do with them might not be.” Whether livid or joyful neither emotion is inherently good or bad. Feelings simply are. So, treat these conversations with this truth in mind. There is nothing to fix, only a role you can play as facilitator in bringing the feelings out in safe ways.
- If you want to, you can share a time you felt an emotion. Example: “When I was 9, I was so mad when my brother got the better gift from my Grandmother!”
Teach Kids Emotional Expression Skills
Teach An Emotional Vocabulary and Emotional Identification
By using the previous two steps, you have begun this process, but an intentional focus on the vocabulary of feelings gives kids the tools to answer your question. When caregivers then take the next step and help them apply a new emotional vocabulary word to a specific experience, the child takes that leap increased agency which helps kids cope with holiday stress. This is a proactive step. While you can teach in the elevated holiday moment, you will have the most return on investment if you begin sprinkling in emotional expression words during everyday life. Stub your toe while holiday shopping? Share with them my body is in pain and I feel mad that I got distracted and now my toe is throbbing.
- Use Picture books. For example, while reading a book, ask your child, “How do you think the character feels right now? What makes you think that?”
- Play games. Either board games or even a simple “I-spy” while in the car or driving. When feelings emerge, label them casually.
- You can create a “feelings chart” that lists different emotions, helping your child recognize and label their own feelings. The most comprehensive feelings chart I have ever seen can be found here.
- A study done by Goleman (1995) found that children who can label their emotions accurately are better able to regulate their emotional responses. The ability to label emotions and then communicate them is the basis for emotional intelligence.
- Top 10 Emotional Words to Teach: Happy, Sad, Angry, Excited, Frustrated, Surprised, Scared, Proud, Disappointed, Calm. (Izard, C.E. (2007)) You can grab the holiday emotion printable I made here. I “field tested” it with several kids so it should be helpful for your crew.
Encourage Creative Expression
Using Emotion-Focused Play and Art to Help Kids Cope with Holiday Stress
Play and art allow children to express emotions in a non-verbal, creative way. Activities allow people to explore and communicate their feelings without the pressure of verbal expression. Sometimes, we all get tired of “talking about our feelings” and we just want to do something. Art & play provide these opportunities.
- Provide your child with various tools for expression, such as drawing materials, puppets, or dolls.
- Encourage them to create stories or illustrations about how they feel by asking them concrete questions. Try “tell the story of your day.” Or, “what is going on for your stuffy.”
- Get down at their level and play with them. Playing “holidays” will provide rich opportunities to sprinkle in emotional words and simply get those feelings into the open.
- Even if you don’t make the emotional work explicit, creative art or play in it of itself will give them an opportunity for emotional expression.
- According to Malchiodi (2012), creative activities like drawing and play therapy help children express emotions that may be difficult to verbalize. This allows them to process and release emotions in a safe and supportive way.
Model Healthy Emotional Responses
Show Them The Way-“Child See…Child Do”
Have you ever stopped dead in your stride because your child so perfectly mimics you? The first time my D did this we were at Pizza Ranch. I was frustrated about sass and spills so I let out the most exasperated “CHILD.” She stopped what she was doing, looked me in the eye, and said “CHILD!” The whole table burst out laughing and I was both annoyed and delighted. Children learn by observing what adults do, especially their parents and caregivers. Modeling emotional expression involves grown ups demonstrating how to express their emotions in a healthy, appropriate manner.
- As a parent or caregiver, openly share your own feelings in a calm and respectful way. For example, live in the moment you can share “I’m feeling frustrated because I tried to make monkey bread but I was in a rush. So, I forgot to put a pan under the monkey bread and started a kitchen fire. (True Story). I am upset with myself. I am going to keep breathing and ask for help.”
- Simple phrases such as “I am breathing,” “I am walking away for 30 seconds,” “I need to regulate, where is my water?” can pop out at any moment and will gift your child a memory they can use in their own emotional moments.
- According to a study by Denham (2006), children who observe emotionally expressive parents are more likely to develop better emotional regulation skills themselves. Modeling appropriate emotional expression helps children recognize and manage their own feelings effectively.
If you made it this far down this blog post, thanks for sticking around. It is my sincere hope that you can utilize some of this research and will experience a truly magical family holiday. The ideas and methods I have shared will help kids cope with holiday stress. But it doesn’t stop there. By helping your kids learn new emotional expression skills, your own holiday season will become healthier and happier. If you have any more ideas you would like to share, please drop them in the comments below. I am on a quest to help build an online community where parents can share their ideas with other parents. I firmly believe we are all are in this together, so sharing is caring. For a more direct connection, feel free to Research Notes: Daniel Goleman Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (1995). Izard, C. E. (2007). Basic emotions, natural kinds, emotion schemas, and a new paradigm. Perspectives on Psychological Science. Cathy A. Malchiodi The Art Therapy Sourcebook. Susanne A. Denham, Emotional Development in Young Children.